where to start again


Sometimes, it’s better to hold it in. Sometimes it’s better to take the life you’re living, hold it, look at it, think about it, and do that over and over again without the interruption of explanation.

For more than a year, I’ve been in that mode. I didn’t stop to say, “I’m not going to blog any more.” I didn’t think, “Time to spend less time posting to social media.” Those things just happened. Suddenly, I didn’t feel like sharing online as much (I know–here’s my millennial card. Take it away, I don’t deserve it).

Looking back, this has been a time of listening and observing. So much happened, but none of it made it here. Instead, it’s in my journal, it’s in words poured out over glasses of wine or mugs of tea with friends, in the car with Brad, over text and skype calls with family. In other words, our victories and defeats, our dancing and falling felt private. Or rather, they felt most alive and complete in a real-life context.

But some of those events and thoughts and conversations are now rattling around in my head in that “write me down” kind of way, so even though this feels totally rusty, I’m going to try to start again. After all, I’ve read so many good books that need discussed. I have Thoughts about current events that need an outlet. My heartbeat is pumping to a slightly different rhythm than it was even 18 months ago. Meals have been eaten! Ch-ch-changes, everyone.

Here are some of those:

// My faith has changed. Not in a huge way from an outsider’s perspective, probably, but in a dramatic way to me. I don’t know how else to say it except that Jesus, who still feels like a little bit of a wild card to me, is suddenly mattering in every little thing I do. Like, sometimes I don’t even shower without asking Him to be with me first. The long version of that is worth at least two dinners and a coffee date. The short version is that He has invited me into a spiritual landscape that is huge and wide and wild and full of peace and so much is making sense.

// I left publishing. I’m no longer a magazine editor. For a few months, I worked at a startup in a marketing position. I’m not doing that anymore either. More to come.

// This is probably burying the lead, but Brad’s health has improved remarkably. Even though he’s felt significantly better for a little more than a year now, I still can’t wrap my head around it. Honestly, that change is probably one of the reasons I stopped writing here. Him feeling better really really stunned me in the best possible way. I promise I’ll say more about this, too.

// Speaking of Brad (I love speaking of Brad), he is just the best. That’s not a change, I guess, just a blessing. I remember someone telling me once that the 7-year mark in a marriage was one of the most difficult. It was the most common year to get a divorce in or something. I am here to tell you NOPE. This year has been the BEST. Has it been the easiest? No. Oh my gosh, no. It’s been rough in so many ways. But our marriage? That’s been the most precious gift. Now I’m going to start crying, as I always do when I think about how great Brad is. (You’re totally allowed to gag here.)

// We moved to Nashville! We left the Bay Area a few months ago because rent. And because we wanted to be closer to family and to these guys. We’re still getting settled, but the South is growing on me. The only thing is–and I know how this sounds–I miss California’s recycling scene.

THAT IS ALL. I mean, not really, but that’s all for right now.

photo: I’ve seen the Grand Canyon with my own two eyes since I last wrote here. It is spectacular.



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